Despite my best efforts
Coldplay has sold 1.3 million copies of X&Y, and are still
number one. Amazingly, both Mariah Carey and the Backstreet Boys (Backstreet Boys?) are in the top ten for sales. It's 1994 all over again.
Warning: May convert heathens
Bible warning sticker from
stayfreemagazine.
You know all those crap drawings of monsters you used to do? (Oh yeah, you know the ones). Well, a real artist has taken those and made
kick ass freaks.
With sub-Shakespearian gravitas, McGregor intones: "Not even the younglings survived." I'm sorry, not even the what? Is that their surname or something? Are Mr and Mrs Youngling going to come home to find a nursery bloodbath?Let's say Black Sabbath did a bunch of Smiths' covers. No really. Let's say
they did.
Half-caf double decaf non-fat blazow!
Live in the States, want a coffee, and
hate Starbucks?Use the
Delocator to find an independently owned coffee shop near you.
How big are the subtitles?
If you're like me, and chances are you aren't, the first thought that went through your mind when presented with the iPod was "When will this thing play video? The answer could be as
early as November. However, with no OSX support it seems that the product will ostracize the Pod's core user-base, never a good idea with Macheads.
Epitonic is a music site that offers free and LEGAL mp3 downloads. The roster of artists is good, and there is no "Download this simple program/sign on for this free keypass" crap that plagues other "free" sites. If you don't want to browse, here's a representative sampling.
TV on the Radio - DreamsDeath Cab for Cutie - The Employment PagesThe Album Leaf - AirplaneBadly Drawn Boy - Once Around the BlockThe Traveler is a book that has a video game attached to promote it, and a movie deal in the works. The author, John Twelve Hawks, communicates only by encrypted telephone and his agent has never met him. Dan Brown, you have met your match.
I was looking for Amnesty International, I swear!
Leaving aside the bewilderment of people using something other than Google ("Don't worry, we can just Yahoo that"), I have to wonder who would type "Incredibles fuck" into a search engine. I'm guessing he looks like this
I love that someone can search for "shitville.com" and find this blog.
Strike while the iron is 15 minutes hot
Onegoodmove is a blog that posts clips from recent Daily Shows that you can play on the site (or a little view source will give you access to the quicktime files).
Lewis Black on runaway bride Jennifer WilbanksHow long until all of America is doing crazy shit to get a book deal....oh right.
Nevermind.
Makes The Great Gatsby Look Like Victor Hugo!
When I start to feel good about the world and where it's headed and the people in it, I take a look at this picture
and read
this article and crawl into my bomb shelter waiting for the
Lord's wrath to fall upon us."Lo the heavens were wrent with a terrible calamity."
Spy Films features work by Canadian directors, and videos by the Arcade Fire, Modest Mouse, and that dancing car. Unfortunately they replaced their graphically simple and easy to navigate pages with slow-loading complication.
Bill Murray + Jim Jarmusch = This year's movie that shows everyone how amazing Bill Murray is,
Broken Flowers. (Quicktime - right click and download)
Make a
David Hasselhoff airplane.Oh, you know you want one of these:
Somehow the genius at
gaping void got inside Bush's brain:
About a year ago I made an announcement that I was going to write a novel, which is exactly the kind of announcement serious young men with English degrees are supposed to make. Suffice it to say I never wrote that novel. Every summer I like to spend a little of each day feeling bad that I'm not writing - it's the Hamlet school of successful life-planning. I came across the first page of notes I made about the novel, and I can't tell if it could be brilliant or a steaming pile of Danielle Steel. I really would like to find out.
A Novel Idea (Oh I kill me).
Download the latest Family Guy as a 31 MB Windows Media file. And then rub your hands with glee in anticipation of the direct to DVD Family Guy movie,
Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story.
(Click on Peter. Click I say!)
Coldplay is the new creamy soothing balm you rub all over your chafed and itchy thighs after a long day working in the hot sun hauling scrub brush to the weed pile in the backyard while the goddamn kids think it's funny to throw mudballs at the windows and the creepy meth-lab neighbors peek at you through their dark stained Levolor blinds as you imagine them storing up jars of pickled squirrel brains for the winter.
Happy Birthday to Me
That is all.
Worse than I thought
On his laptop in Fresno, California, Russell "Dutch" Boyd, the former child prodigy who stitched together this loosely knit crew of savants, is playing a few more hours of online No Limit Texas Hold 'em -- where you can bet your entire stack of chips on any card -- before getting behind the wheel for Las Vegas. At twenty-three, he's already been in "the life," the poker professionals' shorthand for the vagabond highs and lows of their existence, for five years, ever since he left Columbia, Missouri, behind, having already graduated from law school.He graduated from law school at 18 to make a living...playing poker. After reading this article I can't tell if I should drop out now and go live in a van down by the river, or move to Surrey and get a head start on that mall job.
Colour Me Hokey Pokey
There are good covers (Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U) and bad covers (Rod Stewart - Broken Arrow, Downtown Train) and abominations (
(Celine Dion - Bad ("I'm bad, I'm bad - uh...yeah. Yeah you are)Razorlight's cover of
Hey Ya! falls into the good category, if only because it reminds us the original is amazing. (Thanks to
Torr.)
But Hey Ya! isn't just a good song. Apparently
we need it.
Feist recently beat out musical luminaries such as Fefe Dobson and Keshia Chante for the 2005 Juno for Best New Artist.
Her site is finally online, and has a shwack of videos for the peeping, including a trooper performance of Mushaboom at the Junos where the monitors tried to kill her with feedback.
Bright Eyes - MushaboomThe PS3's add on hard drive is going to run on an
"alternative OS" (apparently it will play for both teams.)
William Shatner plays three...er four versions of William Shatner in this
spoof on the ending of Seven.Here's a longer version of that guy who
set himself on fire with a shot.
Elkas3
Photobucket killed my account because I violated a TOS - which term they didn't tell me. They just killed my account without warning - so now every link I've ever made to that account is dead. DEAD. Death to photobucket! Long live flickr!.
That's Mr. Cruise to you
Tom Cruise was recently on Oprah and, well,
lost his shit. It was one of the most amazing displays I've ever seen. Apparently he's in love with that girl from Dawson's Creek.
But even better than that outburst was comedian Dane Cook's
note for note recreation of the event on Jimmy Kimmel. (WMV file - right click to save as)
That is some funny, funny stuff.
Oh Mordor you kill me!
I know everyone's seen this...but I had to post it again. So good...
He just killed Bono!
When I started writing about Coldplay, I had no idea they could turn
brother against brother, friend against friend.For some reason Jon Pareles' New York Times article asking "Is Coldplay the most insufferable band of the decade" (which is used in the above debate) has attracted the attention of
conservative hacks everywhere.
Maybe it's because he hates
America and freedom.Or maybe because he named his daughter Apple.
Young Ryan, my blogging compadre, recently
bemoaned the outlook for summer music releases. (He also took the "death" from the last Harry Potter behind the woodshed for some reality beating. I agree it was crap, but doubt that Sirius is going to make a return. She just can't write action scenes.)
In response, here is a highly edited list of what to expect in the coming months.
JuneInterested:
Esthero - Wikked Lil' Girls(28th)
Not sure about the title, but the guest list--Cee Lo, Andre 3000--is dy-no-mite!
Laura Cantrell - Humming by the Flowered Vine(21st)
I'm a sucker for beautiful singing voice. That's my excuse for going to not one, not two, but three Lilith Fairs. Damn you Sarah MacLachlan!!! Laura Cantrell has such a voice, and sings the old-style country of O Brother Where Art Thou.
Laura Cantrell - "Khaki and Corduroy"Maybe:
Foo Fighters - In Your Honor(14th)
I don't usually mention this, but "I'm On Your Back" is one of my favourite songs to just chillax to. To which one can chillax? Whatever. I'm too stoned to know. However, when I see Double Disc without the words Rolling Stones or The Beatles I start to get worried.
Uhhhh:
Alanis Morissette - Jagged Little Pill Acoustic(13th)
Apparently it's been ten years since 16 million Americans took Miss Too Hot to Hold from Canadian obscurity to pop superstardom. In honour of that gross oversight, You Can't Do That on Television's most celebrated alumni is serving up this "stripped-down rerecording," on my birthday no less. At 30 Morissette has apparently completely run out of ideas.
Also coming like the plague:
Carrie Underwood (14th)
Backstreet Boys (14th)
Bo Bice (21st)
Billy Corgan (21st)
JulyBound to be Huge:
Kanye West - Late Registration(12th)
I listened to The College Dropout for about a month solid, and then never listened to it again. It was good summer candy, and hopefully this will be too.
Might be Interesting:
Frank Black - Honeycomb(19th)
The Pixies' frontman went to Nashville for four days and lay down tracks with some verteran session players. If that sounds good to you this could be your summer soundtrack.
WTF?:
William Hung - Miracle (Hung in the Sun)
I can't find any info about this online, but Billboard Magazine has it dropping in July. A look at his website shows a surprising resilience for the walking punchline.
Got the money to spend?
The Kills - No Wow (Bonus DVD)
Willie Nelson - Countryman
Tears for Fears - Everybody Loves a Happy Ending (Bonus Tracks)
AugustAll together now:
New Pornographers - Twin CinemaThe New Pornographers are one of those bands I feel I should like but really don't. But they're from Vancouver, play pretty good music, and have a lot of members. Listen to a cut from the new album on their website.
Rick James - I'm Rick James Forever
....bitch!
Coldplay Day ... screw it.
I was going to post this entire album, but that was before I started listening to it and realized I didn't really like it. And while I may fancy myself a fairly creative sort, there are only so many ways to say you think something sucks. How much don't I like it? I deleted it from iTunes.
Besides, I'm much more into the
Secret Machines album. I like to think of them as the anti-Coldplay, only because the bitter taste of that album is still in my mouth. You can listen to them on their site, or you can download the tracks from here - either way, get your hands on them. But don't take my word for it, just ask
Pitchfork.
Think Pitchfork sucks donkey balls? Then maybe
the Guardian's five stars will sway you.
Or you could listen for yourself.
The Secret Machines - Sad and Lonely
Why Google kicks Yahoos ass...
Someone found this blog by typing "coldplay suck" into Yahoo - in fact, it's the
first entry.Type it into Google and it doesn't come up in the first 15 pages. I like this blog, but I think Google is right about this.
And who searches with Yahoo anymore? Do they Ask Jeeves for homework help?
The Model Home that Jack Built
WE INTERRUPT THE PIRATED COLDPLAY FOR THIS BREAKING NEWS
Apparently,
Jack White
has married
Karen Elson
at the
confluence of three rivers.Better her than
That might explain why the album sounds
half-cooked.Or does it? You tell me...
The White Stripes - Black OrchidToday's Track:
Coldplay - What IfToday's Review: Square One
Rumour has it that while Coldplay was recording this song they were also debating becoming The Coldplay. Perhaps the only song to truly deserve the U2 comparisons, Square One features the falsetto and inane lyrics of previous songs, but also a rumbling guitar presence (sadly diminished by another three note guitar shape). It even has Edge-like "woooo oh ohs" mixed in. I actually kind of like this song, but still can't understand the complete dependence on the quiet to loud formula. It reminds me of
The Vestibules - Grunge Song:
This is the part of the song
That's really quiet
We play very soft
It sounds like a ballad
And this is the part
Where we play real hard
It's much louder
Than at the beginning
And we go back
To the quiet part
Again
If the whole song was this way
It would be boring
So we go back to playing loud
It's like the first time
But slightly louder
This is usually the place
Where it would be quiet again
But we don't want it to be
Too predictable
Predictable
Predictable
Coldplay Day 4
Today's Track:
Coldplay - Square OneToday's Review: Fix You
Dear Chris Martin - Phil Collins called; he wants his song back. Look, I know Clocks was a huge hit, but does every single song need to build from a slow burn to a stadium-sized anthem? I don't even know where to begin with this song - it's terrible. And guaranteed to be used in every movie trailer for the next year. "Lights will guide you home/And ignite your bones." Say what? Jon Buckland - learn another...anything. Just do something else!
Goddamn these lyrics are worse than Jessica Simpson... Did I mention he sings the entire song in a pseudo-falsetto that occassionally wanders off key? He does. Oh, does he ever.
Dude - why does this song suck so bad? 2/10
You like Bush erection?
I was going to post a third Coldplay track, but this is just too funny. From SFGate.com:
It was meant to be funny — but no one is laughing now in the San Francisco 49ers' front office over an in-house training film that featured off- color racial jokes, lesbian porn, a spoof of gay marriage and a trio of buxom, topless blondes frolicking with team public relations director Kirk Reynolds.
What kind of funny you ask? How about this kind!
"49ers love being in community. Very patriotic . . . support president and his George Bush erection."
"Erection?" Reynolds asks.
"Yes," the Chinese man responds. "It say, 'You like Bush — then you like his erection.'
"My name is Suck Hung,'' the Chinese man says as he's leaving. "My brother's name is Suck Young — my whole family suck."
WAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Catch the rest of the comedy
here.
Coldplay Day 3
Today's track:
Coldplay - Fix YouToday's Review: Swallowed In the Sea
The
Tyee is running a bad teen poetry contest, and I entered some doozies. Granted, I picked the ones I thought were the least embarassing, so I probably won't win. Chris Martin also writes bad teenage poetry, the big difference being about 20 million albums sold. Fate - she's a fickle bitch goddess. Here we find Martin and Co. trading rhyming couplets for the craziness of ... rhyming triplets! The song builds in trademark Coldplay fashion, featuring some of the synthesizers that Jon Buckland apparently picked up after the last album. Here's betting some of this gold makes its way into the annuals of emotionally sensitive teenagers at the end of this month:
You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong
The song itself is not so bad, but it has the same drumbeat from In My Place and yet another three note guitar shape. And the lyrics....
You cut me down to size
And opened up my eyes
Made me realize
What I could not see
To which I respond with some genuine 1992 grade 10 magic:
Twas a night most dark and dreary
Stumbling home most drunk and weary
Fell upon the Book of Kells
Wrought with iron nails from hell
MICHAEL BOLTON SAYS: 5/10
