R. Kelly would like to pee on you

Now with realistic wizzing action.

I tried to listen to the whole thing, but I have trouble with songs that describe in exact detail what is going on in the video ("Now I'm waking up in a bed that's not my own/turn slightly to the left/put one foot on the ground/now I'm stretching"). So I need someone to watch the entire five video story arc for R.Kelly's Trapped in a Closet...er...saga, and tell me what happens in the end. I'd watch without the sound on but I feel I might miss something.

The link takes you to a site where someone stitched the five videos together, allowing you to enjoy them all at once. (Actually that link seems to be dead, so you'll have to watch it at his site)

In case you think I'm lying about the lyrics, here's a sampling from all five chapters.

Chapter 1:

7 o'clock in the morning and the rays from the sun wake me
I'm stretching and yawning in a bed that don’t belong to me
Then a voice yells “good morning darling” from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me and to my surprise she isn’t you
Now I've got this dumb look on my face like “what have I done”?
How could I be so stupid to have been laid in to the morning sun
Must have lost the track of time, oh what was on my mind?
From the club went to her home, didn’t plan to stay that long
Here I am quickly trying to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys trying to get on up out the door
Then she stretched her hands in front of me
Said “you can’t go this way”
Looked at her like she was crazy
Said “woman move out my way”
I Said “I got a wife at home”
She said “please don’t go out there”
“Lady I’ve got to get home”

Chapter 2:

That you would go and do some bogus shit up in my house
But the Christian in me gave you the benefit of the doubt”
I said “we need to resolve this”
And he stepped to me I’m like “whoa
There’s a reason I’m in this closet”
He says “yeah? What are you talking clothes?”
“I met this girl at the bodja club and she told me she didn’t have a man”
Then he said “man please I'd kill you if you didn’t have that gun in your hand”
And then I said “but your chick chose me”
He said “don’t give me that mack shit please”
His phone goes off and then things get a little more interesting
He steps a little closer I point my gun and say “I’m not the one you after”
He says “something I bet you didn’t know my man… Did she tell you that I was a pastor?”
I said “well good that’s better right? Why can't we handle this Christian-like?”

(at the end of this song, the pastor reveals he has a male lover)

Chapter 3:

(this is my favourite one)

She said, "My God, Rufus! I've got just one question,
how could you do something like this? I'm so hurt!"
He looked at her and said, "Bitch please, you've got your nerves
With all your club hoppin', lyin' when you said you was shoppin'.
And now here you are in our home, and you're callin' me wrong."

"Okay you busted me! And that much I agree, you caught me cheatinggg!
But this is a little extreme!"

He said, "You are my wife sleeping behind my back.
And now I come home and you got him in the closet, how extreme is that?!"
And she said, "But she's a he!"
And he said, "Please, you can't judge me"
She said, "But this is crazy!"
And I said, "Stop arguing!
I did not stay here to hear you chew each other out,
So get to the point, or I swear I'm out!"

Chapter 4:

Now we makin love and she's my ear whisperin
It's all yours
I said I love you
And she said I love ya, too
Then a tear fell up out my eye
Then I called her my sunshine
And then she looked at me
And said baby go deeper please
And thats when I start goin crazy
Like I was tryin to give her a baby
The room feel like its spinnin
We keep turnin and turnin
As if we were in a whirlwind
The way our toes are curlin
The next thing ya know, she starts goin real wild
And starts screamin my name
Then I said baby, we must slow down
Before I bust a vessel in my brain

Chapter 5:

she said you know my girl roxanne
I said who the hell is roxanne
then she says roxanne’s a friend of mine
who knows this guy name Chuck
Chuck’s cool with this guy named Rufus
and I’m sitting there like what the fuck
then she says Rufus wife Cathy
we both went to high school
she introduced me to the policeman that stopped you

You heard it here first - R. Kelly, the John Donne of our times.


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