The Incredibles

Bob Parr (Mr. Incredible):It's not a graduation. He's moving from the 4th grade to the 5th grade.
Helen Parr (Elastigirl): It's a ceremony.
Bob Parr: It's psychotic! They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity.

After watching the latest offering by Pixar I have but these words: Fuck Disney. That's right. Fuck the Mouse House. Bend it over and work it baby! Pixar makes Disney movies look like student projects, the kind of students who like to film themselves kicking around a suitcase tied to a giant elastic and call it a grad project. Seen the trailer for Chicken Little? The latest Disney fiasco? Don't. Remember Home on the Range? Atlantis? Mulan? No? Because they sucked donkeys in Mexico!

The Incredibles is the kind of project done by people who actually watch animation. Michael Eisner does not watch animation. I'm not even sure he likes it. He certainly doesn't like children; just look at the unending stream of doody Disney has visited upon the world since Walt's death...er cryogenic encapsulation.

Unfortunately, The Incredibles was preceded by the trailer for the next Pixar film (and the last with current partner Disney, god willing). Cars looks like a bad film. It's an animated version of...NASCAR. NASCAR is the number one growth sport in the U.S., which both explains why Bush won a second term and why Americans are literally driving the planet into the crapper. NASCAR is one long left turn. Tom Cruise lent his thespian talents to a dramatic interpretation of NASCAR in Days of Thunder, notable not only for its overt homosexuality, but also for introducing the future and former Mrs. Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman. The pair went on to make several crappy films like Far and Away, ending with Stanley Kubrick's last and worst film, Eyes Wide Shut. Why am I telling you this? Because Cars looks about as good as the now dead Mr. Kubrick, which is to say - not so good.

Now I have faith in Pixar, and I believe that there must certainly be more to this film than a wise-cracking southern accented tow truck and a stock car who sounds suspiciously like Owen Wilson. But I also have no faith at all in John Lasseter. Yes he helped create Pixar and yes, he directed both Toy Stories and A Bug's Life. But you only have to see the introduction to the U.S. version of Spirited Away, which comes with annoying English voice-overs, to see that Lasseter is well on his way to Eisner status. Lasseter's intro makes it seem like he made the movie, and when he tries to interview Hayao Miyazaki ol' Hayao looks like he's trying to escape. Actually, it's worth watching just to see Hayao's "who the fuck are you" expression when Lasseter wraps his arm around him.

The Incredibles in India is called Hum Hai Laajawab.

posted by Thomas @ 22:04