Why Christmas Should Be Banned

1. Every year the sad sacks come out of the woodwork and release Christmas albums which have about as much to do with music as chocolatey flavour has to do with chocolate. This year's crop includes the frighteningly Muppet-like Clay Aiken and the strangely expressionless George Huff. Fuck you American Idol.

2. Something that's crappy 364 days of the year doesn't become magical on Christmas. Putting reindeer onto a crappy paperweight does not make it a Faberge egg.

3. Why is it okay for strangers to call me and ask for money? Does that actually work? Because if it does, I have a phone book, a phone, and I'm dirt poor. Gimme money.

4. Children in Africa are starving to death all year round.

5. Buying an environmentally-friendly gift doesn't help the environment any more than an electric car. The only thing that would actually help the environment is if we all suddenly died and stopped making environmentally-friendly gifts.

6. Do they know it's Christmas? Probably not, because they don't celebrate Christmas you culturally insensitive, ethnocentric fuck. Stop singing about it.
On the other hand, how could they not with the Christmas music blasting every mother-loving day since November?

7. Your screaming child with the over-heated Santa suit doesn't want to be in the mall. Why don't you tie him outside with your dog so he can get rained on? That way neither of them will detract from your enjoyment while you shop.

8. If you can't be bothered to buy a gift for your wife, maybe you don't really want to be married. Just a thought.

9. It took me an hour to pick up a litre of milk.

10. I've read the Gospels, and not once does it mention the death of Jesus having anything to do with letting the jerk in the SUV cut me off while I smile and wave at him. Not once.

11. Cell phone companies making me feel guilty for not calling people more is bullshit. That's like crack dealers laying down the shame card to get me to buy more crack.

12. I can get a chocolate orange any time of the year.

Coming soon - things I am thankful for, new year resolutions, and best of lists. DON'T MISS OUT PEOPLE.

And G - we'll talk. Word.


At 9:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


1. We still on for watching AI finals this year?

2. If we celebrated mediocrity 365 a year, it wouldn't be celebrating. We all know how people like to make people celebrate.

3. They're doing it, so it must work. For every hard egded, penny pinching Thomas, there's a Jae-Ho.

4. Starvation occurs all year, of course. But perhaps an annual act of super generosity would be akin to Bono having an underling stamp a cheque to wipe out the debt of one third world country? Far from the solution, but how refreshing would that be? But I digress. What was the original subject?

5. Bike. Or die and stop consuming... nah, just bike.

6. Amen. Halleluja. Testify. Preach on.

7. Dog's are expected to be treated less humanely than humans. We've been through this. Children, while not being adults and therefore can be restrained against their will, are not dogs. Come on.

8. Now I'm thinking. Maybe you're onto something. Gone Shoppin.

9. Q:If it took you an hour to get a litre of milk, how long to pick up a gallon?

A:One hour.

10. Maybe I don't remember the Gospels very well, but you're right. I believe when the Pharisees in SUV's cut off Jesus in his Toyota Echo, he wielded a whip and turned their SUV's over.

11. I just saw a cell phone commercial. I think I'll give you a call.

12. You got me. Flaming. Out!

Merry Christmas, man.


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