The Return of Open Letter.

Open letter to the crazy bitch who hit me with her car,

Now hold up. Just stop it right there. I know you’re mad, but dammit, I’m mad too! You hit me with a car! But I’m not one to hold grudges. I’m not one to let something like physical violence get in the way of all the good we have. And considering my femur’s displaced and my spleen impacted, I’d say that makes me the bigger person.

Did I sleep with her? That all depends on your definition of sleep…Hey, I’m just playing! Can’t a brother joke once in a while? Why you have to be so serious all the time? Maybe if you put down the tire iron we could have ourselves a conversation.

Alright, I did it. I broke the trust. But you didn’t see the way this chick was eyeing me up! And Dan was all, Are you an entomologist? Cause your eyes be buggin’. And I was like shut up and he was like hit that China boy and I was like fuck you motherfucker I kill you. Because that’s how much I was struggling on account of my eternal love for you.

But dammit, this chick was hot. If I didn’t tap the bitch the fag jokes would’ve never stopped. And do you have any idea how much pressure there is on an Asian male to prove his masculinity? Do you have any idea what kind of stigmas surround homosexuality in Chinese culture?

I didn’t think so.

So before you judge me and try and hit me with something larger than a Civic (like your faggot brother’s Hummer – see, I called him a faggot. See how bad that makes even you look?), maybe you should take a look at the prejudices and stereotypes that exist in your own heart. And stop breaking the windows on my ride.


The brother who loves you and is totally undeserving of this crazy bitch act.


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